On Thursday I will be missing a few of my work meetings to go back to Madison for an EMG. From what I understand, this is a test to determine the strength of my muscles, especially the muscles that relate to my eyes. It is also the test that will definitively tell me if I have Myasthenia Gravis or not.
I am really looking forward to getting those results. I want the diagnosis and I especially want to start the treatments. This has been going on a long time and I am ready for a step forward.
Having said that, I have started to notice that I truly do live in a new reality now. With all of the health issues that I have faced over the years, there have been very few, if any, physical effects on me. After cancer surgery I was doing a weddding a week later. After chemo I was back in the office within 48 hours. After radiosurgery, I was at a congregational meeting the next night.
Nothing has slowed me down.
But now, there is a new reality bearing down on me.
First I have to state, nothing big is really changing. I am still doing all my work, I am still traveling to all my meetings, I am still taking the girls to all of their swimming and tennis lessons. I am even in Chicago right now for three days of meetings.
But I am noticing that my eyes are getting tired much faster than they have in the past.
I have to take breaks from the meetings to close my eyes for a few minutes. It takes me longer to read things because my eyelids droop more. When I talk on the phone I rest my eyes so I can be ready for what is next.
It's not a huge deal, but it is a change. And it is a change I don't like.
Now I am hopeful that once I start treatments this will go away. I am hopeful that I will eventually lose the eypatch and go back to what was normal for so much of my life. I am hopeful.
But right now, this is the reality I live in.
All of us go through changes throughout our lives, including physical ones. And I think many of us struggle with these changes. Maybe it is the loss of our youth, maybe it is the fact that we just can't do what we used to be able to do and that frustrates us.
One of these changes is happening to me right now, and I am trying to find ways to embrace it rather than fight against it.
Oh, when I start treatments I will be fighting like crazy to get things back to normal, but right now, I am going to try my hardest to embrace this change and see what good might be able to come out of ir.
For example - since I need to rest my eyes more often, I am going to use this rest time as reflection time. I am going to ask myself - where have I seen God so far today?
When I am reading and start to get frustrated with my tired eyes, I will pause where I am and think back to what I just read, so that I engage with the book a little bit more.
And when I am no the phone with my eyes closed, I will push away the desire to multitask and concentrate on the person I am with.
I don't like this reality, but I have decided to use it to slow down my life a little.
And who knows, when things go back to normal with my eyes, maybe this slowed downway of doing things will continue.
So tonight, may all of you be blessed with open eyes to the blessings you have where you are.