Friday, March 30, 2012

How Are You Doing?

One of the main questions I get every day is "How are you doing?" Most of the time the answer is, I am fine. I still don't have any symptoms, and I don't expect to have any. I am still working full time, and I don't see any changes in that either. I still chase the girls, put on training wheels, mow the lawn (yes, mow the lawn in March in WI), do laundry, hug my wife, and all the other normal, day to day things. Most of the time I am fine, sometimes even doing pretty darn well.

But there are other times that are a little darker. There are times that I lie in bed and night and start having the "what if" thoughts. The "what if" thoughts are the ones about what if I will not be here for this event or that event in the life of my wife or kids ... Now these are not helpful thoughts, they are actually as frightening as can be, and getting out of the mindset of them takes a bit of work. Normally I have to physically leave the bedroom and go do something somewhere else (Thank God for Words With Friends!).

These are also the times when I am glad that no one is around to ask how I am doing, because the answer at those times is not good, not good at all.

But those moments pass, Scarlett yells out that she needs her pup-pup (a stuffed puppy she sleeps with and loses in her bed nearly every night and needs us to find as soon as her eyes open), Sierra pretends to be asleep until I sing her awake (a wonderfully annoying song I created that she pretends to not like, but still waits for it nearly every morning), breakfast needs to be made, Jen needs to be hugged (okay, maybe I need to be hugged and she is on the receiving end of it), and the sun comes out and things get better.

And then, once again, I am doing fine. I know that I have very good doctors, I know that I have a supportive church family that is there with me, I know that these new meds hold a lot of promise, and I know that I have a God who loves me and is walking with me hand in hand throughout this entire journey.

So if you ask me, "How are your doing?" I will be honest with the answer. I may be fine or I may have a bit longer of an answer, so be prepared :) And overall, thank you for asking, for I know that you ask out of concern and care for me, and I appreciate that more than you can imagine.

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