Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Waiting, Waiting, Waiting

For the past week, this is what I have been doing.

Waiting, waiting, and waiting some more.

I originally thought that one week ago I would be starting radiation therapy, but now, one week later, I am still waiting.

Last night my radiation oncologist called me and asked with the doctors at UW had been in touch yet, and they hadn't. So he is trying to get in touch with them again. This will be the third attempt. I know that they are busy, I know that there are a lot of people out there like me, but I am at the stage that I want to do something. Anything.

But instead I am waiting, and that means that I have a lot of time to sit and think about things, for good or for bad. Today my thoughts wandered towards the image of scars.

As I was shaving this morning I caught a glimpse of my scar from two years ago. Now the scar is in such a place that I don't see it every day, but what I raise my arm the right way, there it is. Seeing the scar made me think about the variety of scars the we have in our lives, some seen and some unseen.

These scars occurred either because of something we did, or because of something that was done to us. Sometimes the scars visible for the whole world to see, sometimes they are hidden in such a way that only we know about them. But no matter where they are, or where they came from, these scars do affect us.

The question is: do we let these scars define us.

I have some scars that influence my life in pretty major ways. Scars I got when I did something that taught me a lesson, enhanced my understanding of something, or came back to bite me.

I also have some scars that affect my relationships with others, sometimes because I got burned other times because something amazing came out of the situation.

But the hard part is not letting those scars define me as a whole. Sure, they will affect how I work with and deal with others, but the scars do not make up who I am.

I am more than my scars.

I am more than incidents that happened to me.

I am more that actions or reactions of my own.

I am more than all of this.

A friend recently asked for a passage of scripture to help calm her nerves before an interview. Immediately my mind went to Psalm 46 where the psalmist says, Be still and know that I am God.

In those times when I question my scars and how they were caused, I am reminded to be still and know that I am God's.

I am God's child.

I am God's beloved.

I am one who has been claimed, called, and promised by the one who created all.

And remembering this moves me past all of the scars and the pains. It grounds me in who I really am and what really defines me.

A child of God who is loved, cared for, and needed. Even if there are times that I don't feel like it.

So what are some of your scars, and how can you keep from letting those scars define you?

PS - I just got a call while writing this from the doctor in Madison. It turns out that I had a biopsy scheduled, just no body let me know about it :) So on Friday, April 27th I will be having some more happy drugs and they will be scraping out more bone.

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